Upset
I’m upset. I’m sick of living in this country. I’m sick of its limitations. I’m sick of wasting time. I’m sick of being stuck. I’m sick because I couldn’t get anyone worth the while. I’m sick. I want to get out, leave. I’M UPSET!!!
I’m Glad It’s Over, And Who Do You Think You Are?
I’m glad I’m never going back to you. I’m much better off without you. Gah, I’m so relieved.
But I can’t stop being irritated every time you say you’ve changed. “I’ve changed, you know.” You say. Oh really? I counted the times, and you’ve said about twelve times: “I have changed” in many diverse, different ways. Come on! I can’t believe you believe that ess ache eye tee. Aanyway.
Now that we’re “friends”, you’ve started your “Well, now I can take my time to reply to you -online-”. You’re acting as if you had all the control, and think your world is perfect. “Yes! I’m in this with this person.”, “Yes, me and this person are a team.”, “Yes, me and this person do everything together.” You say.
That’s what you say for now.
I can’t believe you actually think it’s going to last forever. You kind of mentioned you are ready in case that things do not work out as you plan, but I doubt that you’re prepared for that. I can already see it coming: the drama over the soon-to-be-ex.
Everyday I am more and more aware that relationship “love” lasts a very short amount of time. And once it’s gone, it’s gone forever, together with any kind of link. You’ll see.
Incomplete?
I’ve said this to myself so many times. That I don’t need anyone to be happy. Anyone as in a partner, couple… Call it any way you like. But sometimes I feel lonely. And that feeling gets strong. I feel incomplete.
Then I start thinking about how many ups and downs a relationship can give you, and I say no. Then again, I think: “Maybe, just maybe”. But no. It can’t be. That’s the best for me. To be alone.
Afterwards… I also feel incomplete in another sense. Sometimes I feel very lonely, but in a different manner. I feel that nobody really understands me. This happens more often in one friends circle than in the other. And when this occurs… I can’t really believe it. I feel as if nobody was around me when there’s actually about twelve people surrounding me, sitting in a table and talking about diverse topics. But there I am: Quiet. Still.
Alone.
Rilke describes this loneliness very well, and I must trust her in what she means. I must follow her advice. It’s so hard to be like this, really.
But I can’t let this “Incomplete” take control over me. It will be difficult, but I have to learn how to master it and use its true power. I must. I WILL.
I Remember…
I remember.
I remember how we used to talk.
You used to like me a lot.
I wasn’t sure about how I felt about you, but I also liked you in some way.
That feeling. It was different. I liked that feeling. I enjoyed being in that mood.
It’s gone. And it’s weird.
I can’t get close to you anymore. Maybe it’ll never happen.
But…stil…
I remember.
Me Against the REAL WORLD
I quit university last week. I think that was the best decision I could make, even though it was very hard. I’ve never done something like that. All my past education levels were completed. But not university… Sometimes I think that maybe I should not have done this and stayed in school, but something keeps telling me: you don’t belong there, you belong somewhere else.
So it’s me against the REAL WORLD. It’s scary. Just like GaGa and Kahn, I’m dropping out of university. Yet it took me only a month to do so. Myself against the real world… Will all the leveling up that I have achieved work? I can’t be sure. But it must. Everything that I’ve done is truth. It’s real.
REAL ME VS REAL WORLD.
Here we go
The Misfit
Today I was looking at some photos from an event I didn’t go to. I was invited, but I didn’t go. Looking at the pictures made me think about those friends. At first, I wasn’t sure if I fitted in with them, and later I found out I did. But… that’s the past.
Right now I’m a misfit at my new school. I really can’t see anyone sharing the same passion as I do. There’s nobody who’s doing it with so much energy and excitement as me. And that’s frustrating. I’ll quote somebody who explained why he was studying there and what encouraged him to getting good grades:
I’m paying a tuition for this school, so I’ve got to study hard.
Yes, school isn’t free. But that shouldn’t be the only reason. You’re doing it because you like it, because you LOVE it. Not just because “you’re paying for it”. We are all paying for it.
There are many things that irritate me. Classmates dancing in mid-class, people who have never touched Photoshop in their entire lives, people who only study because they pay for it… Ah, I can’t even remember clearly.
Maybe New York is waiting for me. New York, wait for me. I need to get ready for the trip, then, I’ll be there.
Do I Fit In?
I can’t find myself having a best friend in university.
One weird guy who wants to unmask me and simply won’t care about it. A trio of guys who only think about having sex with women. Another trio of guys who know a lot about things they like, but due to that, they end up being highly egocentric. One girl who talks a lot, but won’t listen to me because of that. A guy and a girl: the former uninteresting and the latter a gossip girl. A girl who listens, but doesn’t always answer. A girl who’s too much into her world to get out of there and interact in ours. One new guy, who is very conceited, but most likely will pair up with the first trio.
Just two girls left: one is very quiet, but looks supportive; the second has great appreciation for art. Problem: These two are mixed with the unmasker and the gossip girl. I need to extract them.
And yet I’m not sure I’d fit in.
University
Did I make the right choice? Was this really the best one? I don’t know.
I feel trapped. And at the same time, I think that might be the way I should be remaining for a while. Maybe the whole four years and a half. Maybe, just maybe… only two.
Some of my classes are great. Some teachers are amazing. I will learn a lot of interesting things from interesting people. Not only interesting, but useful as well. There are teachers that will train me hard and make me go further. Learn form and depth. I like that. I’m looking forward to that. It will be worth it.
There are, as well, the “other” teachers. They… aren’t that great. They might not even be good. One is a young man. He is teaching us how to write stories. He says he’ll teach us that. He keeps repeating and repeating the same phrase over and over again. But all he’s done is explain the basics: protagonist, antagonist, and types of conflict. That’s literature for dummies. Come on. I learned that the first 20 minutes of class in high school, not in the first 4 hours of college. And some people in my class didn’t even get it that time. Some still haven’t got it. Give me a break.
My classmates. There are about four or five people that I expect a lot from. There are some others that shouldn’t even be there. They said they’ve been into film since they were little and that they can’t imagine themselves doing anything else in their whole life. Bullshit. If they were THAT into filmmaking, they would’ve started differently. They would be smarter people. They wouldn’t be who they are.
We are all supposed to start from zero. Unfortunately, we’ve begun from negative numbers. I don’t know if I can’t stand that. I’m learning with words what I already know how to do with my hands.
They’re teaching me how to make art, but I want to be creating/doing art.
After two years of college, I will decide if I will finish the whole career or not. If after two years I have not learned a lot of things and improved very significantly, I’m quitting. I’m dropping out of university. If I don’t get the scholarship, I’m dropping out anyway. My father can’t afford it. That’s fucking frustrating. So many of my classmates are studying in that school because “it sounds very interesting” and they allegedly “can’t imagine themselves doing anything else”. I am the one who REALLY can’t imagine himself doing anything else.
…
“Friends”
There are some people around me that call themselves my friends. But sometimes, I think they really aren’t. Not that they’ve betrayed me. I just don’t feel part of them.
School, which bound me to them to certain extent, is over, and I will no longer need to see them again.
Now it’s vacation time and they still hang out. Without me.
I didn’t go to the recent trip with them because, for many reasons, I didn’t feel like it, and, in the end, I had something very important to do. But no. It wasn’t after this. It’s always been the same.
I’m always the last one to know about their plans. I’m always the last one invited. I used to. Now I’m not even invited. And they call themselves my “friends”.
I Don’t Get You
There are many times when you’ve made me feel excited and thrilled. It’s as if you felt something special for me. But there are sometimes when you do the opposite.
Now, I try to talk to you, but I always arrive late. You say we’ll talk later, you’re friendly, but you’re not there again. I don’t get you.
