I’m being a bit extremist when I say I’m not going to do those anymore.

I’m being a bit extremist when I say  I won’t do them.

Things have changed. It may not be exactly the same.

But the past is not gone. Things and facts have not been erased. Our love and work together is not gone. It’s been carved to stay alive forever. In the files. In our memories. In our hearts. In our souls.

We can and will still do them. Maybe not as before. Maybe not as frequently as it used to be. Maybe not as the group we used to belong to in the exact same way. But we’ll make them as strong as ever. As ultimate as ever.

Because together we stand until the end.

I’ve been dealing with this insecurity for quite a while. And it’s a struggle everyday.

When I speak, I like to be relevant. I hate to be boring or dull.

It’s as easy as turning back and talking. And it’s as hard as simply opening my mouth.

I struggle everyday.
And of course, you are the hardest target for me. But I guess that makes the achievement even more worth the while.

I have been through love, and came back still being wanted. Though this person actually made me feel as if our relationship did not matter at all.

It all started greatly, emotionally promising. I was hoping for the best, bearing with any imperfection I got to face. But…this person assumed things for me. And slowly, got rid of our love.

At least, that’s how I felt. I decided to end the relationship, only to find out I was still loved, in an unexpressive way.

Regardless, I was firm with my decision, and I’m moving forward.

As much as I like being with someone, I do not actually need to have another person’s company. I keep walking by myself. I have goals for myself, and don’t need another person to fulfill them with.

Do you want me to love you less each day? Should I do so?

I’ve been thinking too hard about what you’ll think and/or do regarding any move, any situation. My friend was right. I should be thinking about how I feel.

If you’re ignoring me, then I’m ignoring you. Have it your way, I’ll stop caring. And one day, it won’t hurt.

And one day, I’ll finally stop crying.

And walk away.

Feelings drive me. They take control. And I don’t have tools or strength to stop them. At least, that’s what I thought.

It is indeed, hard for me. But I can do it. I thought I had it all under control, until I found this other side of me. He’s tougher than I thought. But he’s a part of me, and I’ve got to find a way to control him. He is me, of course. I thought I was strong. I was wrong. I have to train hard, and then, I’ll take command.

I know you now. I shall step into controlling you. Only then will I be at peace with myself.

And after I finally tame you, I’ll be stronger.

You fall.
And you enjoy the vertigo.
You crawl.
While your body and soul is destroyed.
You breathe.
When you know you’re gonna drown.
You try to stop.
But you can’t make it happen.
Stop
But it’s all lost.

Point of no return.
Don’t look back and burn.
The flames will be even tougher,
And you’re not even there.

Yet.

Sometimes I do dare to spare a few words. Effective and ineffective occasions occur.
The effective ones make me talk more, and open up to people who are worth speaking to.
The ineffective ones make me wonder if I should even care or worry about saying anything at all.

So many memories came back to me. I remembered so many things. My childhood.

…

I can easily get the mundane and casual talk out of quite some people… But most of the time, I don’t know how to Talk with others. Are things actually worth discussing? Do I even share things worth talking about with not-so-well-known people?

I lie, stand or sit. Silent.